Anne of Teen Fables

In Which Michelle is “Mildy Hilarious”
June 15, 2010, 3:02 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

As my first semester of university reaches its breathless conclusion, I have arrived at my own conclusion; given I am an Arts student, meaning I have precious little else of note to do with my time, and because all my friends are doing it, I’d best start recounting my life on the Internet. You see, in a flurry of motivation several months ago, I reserved this brilliant URL for that precise purpose. I spent hours working on a skilful play of words to title this page. As a something of an English nerd, I was adamant that a literary pun would suffice, but even with all the potential in Dickens’ complete works (I tried – see Sedate Expectations), I was left with nothing worthy of titling this page, so great an honour it is.

So, drawing inspiration from the streets of Shanghai, the unbearable vastness of oceans, the philosophy behind Kantian ethics, and a number of artworks I visited at the Louvre last Autumn, I settled for the prodigious name you now see. I finished feeling smug, filled with good intentions of elaborate play-by-play recounts of my daily encounters. If you cast your eyes down to the bottom of the page, you will see that this was a lie.

As consolation, I thought I would compile an introduction to the band of zany characters who have entered into my life this past semester so as to orient you to my stories. I am nothing if not a gracious host to this URL (would you care for a beverage?), so it is only fair that I give you the required reading in advance. Alas, I begin with such tales.

So being thrust into unfamiliar classes and lecture theatres, one is forced to befriend a series of strangers of various levels of palatability in order to avoid the awkward “don’t mind me, I’m just scrolling through my inbox on my iPhone” manoeuvre. Consequently, I have amassed quite an impressive posse of ludicrous acquaintances that surface like dolphins, or perhaps porpoises, at unexpected moments.  As several Facebook groups will inform you, it is commonplace to assign nicknames to these recurring persons, and so I have indulged. Meet my monikers!

First of all, I will introduce you to Olive Green Socialist Alternative Guy, so known for being socialist alternative and unfailingly clothed in olive green. I have had several encounters with this extraordinary character, and I’m going to go ahead and suggest that these experiences have shaped me a little as a person.  We first met in O-Week, on a particularly warm and unbearable day on which even I could not bring myself to don a cardigan (a rare condition). But there he was, resembling a ripe avocado in his thick olive green jacket, seemingly unaware and unaffected by the heat. Every time since, I have been captivated by his awkward stride, undoubtedly advanced by the protest marches he heads. Always in olive green…

You should also know about the Mainstay of my Life. I refer to the glasses-clad, floundering figure who would sit behind me in Thursday philosophy lectures. It so happened that my posse of Plato enthusiasts and I occupied a certain row each Thursday. Being of the obnoxious disposition on Thursdays, anticipating a three-day weekend, I made several attempts to befriend any surrounding students. After awhile, I noticed the same bespectacled figure was always sitting stoically in the same spot, so I acknowledged this fact… I told him that he was “a mainstay in my life”, and was met with a bemused, but unreceptive expression. Oh reader, he refused to accept my advances into acquaintance-ship. I tried again and again, but he resisted, deeming my ‘sup nods as we passed on campus worthless. I admit I’m a little bitter towards this character, but I accept that he is but one failure in a sea of flourishing relationships based on seating regularity.

I will now describe for you another landmark personage that peppers my days. Reader, meet The Barbecue Nun. There is not a lot to be said of this admirable creature, but that she significantly improves my Monday afternoons, as I walk by Manning and see her there as always with a cooking apron over her habit, tongs in hand. How I wish you could see and appreciate the glory of this, but truly, my meagre words cannot convey the hilarity of the scene at hand. I implore you to summon your inner Christian and seek out a sausage for this cause. For what cause is there greater or more noble than The Barbecue Nun?

On that memorable note, I feel that I should conclude these introductions. I had wished to work my way through a significant portion of the characters I encounter each day, but it seems that, like, actual study (lol) is calling me away from such a task. So to preserve both my sanity and your attention span, I shall regrettably leave it here. Perhaps next entry, I will discuss the various advantages to having a Philosophy professor with a side-career in erotic poetry, or perhaps I will introduce you to the cold, cold gaze of my English tutor still etched in my mind (consider it therapy). But such tales must wait. I will do my best to keep you from too many disturbed, sleepless nights as you mourn my absence.

I ran this blog post by my brother, and he described it as “mildly hilarious”. I only hope you found it so. If I have heartily failed, I regret that I cannot return to you the lost time, however I can direct you to my sickeningly talented friend Alex’s musings, found here, and in my growing pit of envy.


4 Comments so far
Leave a comment

Mildly hilarious seems fair 😛

BTW – I have heard much of this erotic-poet/philosophy lecturer. A few friends of mine have even shown me his paintings on flicker. A talent for the ages methinks.

Comment by Conor.

and by flicker, i mean flickr.

spelling mistakes seem to be the bane of my existence.

Comment by Conor.

I think it’s time that a certain lady admits some of the moniker’s she may have accumulated herself… great post, I will read further posts with much interest!

Comment by Monica Sue Donham

I have competition. I’ll need to step up my game in order to avoid this sense of emasculation that comes creeping over me all of a sudden.

Comment by Alex

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